Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
