and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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