so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
