i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
