eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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