he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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