saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
