When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
