her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
