Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
