what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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