my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
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