Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
