I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
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