I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
