Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
