How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
