Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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