Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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