She is in my trunk
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
