honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
