shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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