Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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