I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
