He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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