pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
