Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
