I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
