I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
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