So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
