you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize