I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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