So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
