never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
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