he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
