Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
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