i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
