I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
