I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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