Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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