Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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