I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
