I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
