I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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