some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I just gift wrapped bread.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
