brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
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