I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
