I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
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