I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I am midnight drunk by noon
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
