I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
